Luckily if you live in any state where bars aren't frowned upon like the vermin plague, this is an easy task. Regardless of your beliefs, drinking habits, race, cultural background, etc, a good big city bar can be a wealth of interest and connection, a veritable wonderland of rabbit holes disguised as people that you haven't met, and yet, here you sit in Utah, reading this blog, thinking, what am I going to do with myself? Never fear friend, Brown Bear is here to act like your rabbit guide through the maze that is having a good time in a state that thinks mixing green jello and carrots is a rocking good time. Allow me to elaborate...
The Beehive state is a great many things; outdoorsman's paradise, skier's heaven, home to the Utah Jazz, and some of the best raspberries and watermelons around, and while the people may be some of the nicer people you've ever met, be wary of a few things. Everyone knows the key to a good weekend or party is Women. Your recruitment of the female sex is like the key to the city. The majority of Utah girls have been raised inside a bubble inside the already well insulated from the rest of the world culture that is Utah. As they grow older, they all expect to be swept off their feet by Prince Helaman Charming, freshly returned from some exotic foreign country to shower her with gifts and enormous rings and then found his newly discovered MLM company that will eventually get them a house high in Cove and allow her to be a stay at home mom with a nanny, because really, aren't all stay at home moms busy enough to need a nanny? My point is, their expectations hover around the same elevation as Mt Kilimanjaro. A common misconception is that Utah doesn't party......WRONG! It does, but like a VIP section in a Vegas club, it just takes a little bit of trickeration to really unlock the party. Here are my tips, or to keep with our metaphor, take the little bottle that says Drink Me;
-Be noticeable, not outrageous. This is the mistake most guys in Utah make, trying to stand out enough for a girl to notice them. Guys will do everything, from steroids and mega amounts of curls, to bad style choices and Affliction shirts. Want to know the best way for girls to notice you? Pay two hot chicks to stage a girl fight over you in a public place. Boom. Fishing with dynamite my friends, nothing drags girls in like a cat fight!!!
-Facebook pictures. Welcome to the age of social networking, where Google searches and Facebook creeping has become a staple of dating. I recommend finding postcards from exotic places and digitally imposing yourself into them somehow. With the advents in Photoshop and Facebook's notoriously low picture quality, it should be easy to pull off the "Sunset at Powell....so cool" picture.
-Start a business. Try to be creative with this one, if you say something like security or Noni juice, everyone knows you are lying. Also, stay away from anything that might actually have to be proven at some point in time. Stick to things like "Internet Marketing" and "Social Network Advising" because the less people actually know about it, the better chance you have of pulling it off. Am I the only one who took Ferris Bueller's Day Off seriously?
-Change your last name. This one is a bit more challenging and requires a certain level of dedication, but come on, you think people will ignore you if you introduce yourself as So and So Huntsman or Eccles? Psh. You might as well announce over the PA that Justin Bieber is your first cousin. Even dense girls know that last names like that mean money.
-Proper Entourage. People are attracted to a crowd. Most guys have friends, so if you don't, stop with the Magic Cards and cancel your World of Warcraft subscription, and get some. Really, any friends will do, because the more outrageous your Entourage, the better. Second, nothing says "Look at me" like a couple of 6'5" Polynesians in shades and suit coats. The best part is, because they are Polynesian, most likely they already have family working somewhere trendy or cool that you want to go, killing two birds with one stone.
-Talkin 'bout Connection! Once you get the ladies to notice you, get those digits playa! In fact, have one of your Polynesian security guards do it to really seem important. Then link it all together with your Facebook and Twitter (nobody cares about Myspace anymore) and make sure to post often about "how dope that party was," or "another night at the club" even if you just spent the night at home on ldssingles or hotornot.com. Perception is reality, and at this point, party people should be perceiving you as the Utah king, and likewise will be hitting you up to hang. Game, Set, Match, McLovin!!!
As always, I must throw up a disclaimer that these are merely suggestions, and that any and all good times and or parties that result from this are because of YOUR OWN ACTIONS, although we gave you the framework the consequences are squarely on your shoulders. Don't forget about the first rule of Chasey T & the Brown Bear, which is, ah, um, well, you know it, Right? RIGHT? It's here somewhere.......damn. I lost it. Oh well, just Keep it Fresh, Y'all.
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